Against the Wind by silvershadeus - Part 2

Looking over at Tsuzuki, Watari idly wondered if it would be possible to convince the other man that he'd been seeing things. He could shift back to his human form and claim that Tsuzuki had imagined the entire thing. That he hadn't been eating or sleeping right and the consequences had finally caught up to him... 

It was possible; Tsuzuki never seemed to look after himself properly.

But no. It did not do to lie to one's friends. Even if that lie might save that same friendship. Anything, be it friendship or even love, would not survive if it was supported by a foundation of lies. So maybe Tsuzuki had been meant to stumble upon the truth that night. Perhaps Watari had simply been living on borrowed time...or whatever it was he did now that he was dead.

Sighing, Watari tugged at one of his ears gently. It was a nervous habit that he'd picked up as a young kit and had never been able to rid himself of. 

Since he had broken the agreement - though surely not intentionally - he would have to leave. He would go where other spirits such as himself were meant to go after death. Face whatever punishments were meted out to spirits such as himself who had avoided the fate that had been intended for them.

003 hooted softly from her perch on his shoulder, offering what comfort she could. Blinking as something suddenly occurred to him, Watari looked at her, golden eyes wide.

What would become of her, once he was gone? Who would feed her? Play with her? Talk to her? Who would lend her a shoulder to perch on when he was gone?

Reaching out a trembling hand, he scratched her breast feathers gently. Who would take her flying? Who would...?

Tsuzuki and the others would look after her, he was sure. They would do their best to see that she was cared for. But somehow he knew that everything would not be all right once he was gone and she was alone. She was his owl. The only friend he had that knew of his Kitsune nature. The one who was at his side no matter what he did. No matter how outrageous his experiments or inventions. She had always just been there, a comforting weight on his shoulder. 

She liked the others, but she was his owl, as he was her...person. Her Kitsune in disguise. Hers.

003 must have sensed some of his thoughts for she flapped her wings and hissed softly at him, clacking her beak in irritation.

Pulling his hand back, Watari stared at her in surprise as she glared at him, feathers puffed out and ruffled. She never ceased to amaze him sometimes, the way she read his emotions so easily.

"Watari?"

Eyes widening, Watari turned to see Tsuzuki watching him, violet eyes questioning.

Hastily getting to his feet, Watari fought the urge to run. To start running and never look back. The Meifu was a vast place - surely he could find some part of it so remote no one would think to look for him there? Surely he would be able to... Surely he could...

But no. The others would choose to look for him, not resting until they found him - and they would bring him back. He knew that much about them. Knew how loyal they were to those they called friend. They would not let him leave without some kind of explanation. Without a reason. 

And even if they somehow missed him, Enma would not stand for it. He would know where Watari was. He would find him, and send him to the place where he belonged. Where he was meant to be.

"Watari?"

Blinking as the tone of Tsuzuki's voice - more than his words - registered, Watari met the other man's eyes nervously. There had been curiosity, and worry in Tsuzuki's voice, but nothing of fear or betrayal. 

"Tsuzuki...you're awake."

The other man blinked slowly and looked around himself as though only just realizing where he was.

"Why am I...? What happened?"

Watari almost smiled at the confusion in Tsuzuki's voice. He sounded like a little lost child, looking to an adult for help. Looking to someone he trusted.

"You...ah...fainted." Watari answered, tail twitching. "I put you on the couch so you'd be more comfortable."

Tsuzuki blinked again, still looking adorably confused. Watari did smile then, unable not to at the look on Tsuzuki's face.

"Oh. Um...thank you, Watari." Tsuzuki said, smiling uncertainly, obviously still confused. 

And Watari saw the answer to his dilemma in the way Tsuzuki smiled at him, the expression reaching his eyes. All he had to do was act naturally. It would certainly make things easier when he had to leave. There would be no strained smiles, no tense atmosphere between his friends and him. All he had to do was act as though everything was perfectly normal and no one would think it odd that he wasn't human. Perhaps they might even come to accept it.

"Watari?"

Looking up at the sound of his name, Watari tipped his head to the side, ears pricked forward.

"Yes, Tsuzuki?"

"Were...were you testing out one of your experiments again?"

Ah, so like Tsuzuki. 

"Actually, no I wasn't." Watari said, smiling at the violet-eyed Shinigami. 

He could feel the Kitsune in him reacting now, enjoying the situation in a skewed sort of way. Delighting in the confusion in Tsuzuki's eyes and the way the other man tiptoed around the possible truth.

Watari had lived - existed - as a human long enough to understand how they thought. He had become human in a way. Living as they did. Experiencing the things they did. And he knew that the one thing humans had never taken well was the unknown. Monsters under the bed or in the closet. Things that went bump in the night. Creatures of myth and legend - like Kitsune.

Watari could see that Tsuzuki had a grasp on the reality of the situation, but he was searching for other explanations. More...believable ones. Something a little more mundane - if Watari's experiments could ever be considered mundane.

It was so very, very human of him.

"Oh. Watari?"

Watari made an encouraging noise in his throat, golden eyes sparkling with amusement. Tsuzuki really was ever so polite.

"Yes, Tsuzuki?"

"Why..." Tsuzuki cleared his throat softly, "Why do you have - "

"Why do I have furry ears and a tail?" Watari finished, smiling cheerfully.

Tsuzuki nodded, eyes drawn to the appendages in question. 

"Yeah..."

Watari's smile widened. At least the other Shinigami hadn't fainted again. Perhaps he really hadn't been taking care of himself lately - Watari wouldn't put it past him, it was just Tsuzuki's nature.

"Well you see, there's a very reasonable explanation for that," Watari began, eyes narrowing in amusement at Tsuzuki's almost inaudible sigh of relief, "I'm Kitsune."

While Tsuzuki's reaction to his revelation may not have been exactly what Watari had hoped for, it was better than he would have thought.

"You're what?" Tsuzuki blurted, sitting up and looking at Watari as though seeing him for the first time. 

Watari held still as Tsuzuki took in the furred, delicately shaped ears. The longer lines of Watari's body...and the tail. Always with the tail. As though ears like his were a common everyday feature. . For some reason, people were always most fascinated with his tail. He supposed that it was due to the fact that humans were just not meant to have tails that made his so interesting. Certainly those who had seen him in his true form while he had been alive had thought so.

His tail wasn't so extraordinary by itself. Roughly the length of his arm it was full and thick, it gleamed golden under the overhead lights of his lab. 

Even before he realized what he was doing Tsuzuki reached out to touch it, startled as Watari deftly flicked it out of his reach. When he looked up he saw the other man watching him through narrowed eyes, his lips pressed into a thin line.

Violet eyes widening as he recognized his mistake, Tsuzuki drew his hand back, looking suitably contrite.

"I'm sorry, Watari." 

Watari snorted, his expression softening. He really shouldn't have taken Tsuzuki's reaction the way he had. He may have been a powerful Shinigami, but he was still very much human. And still very much like a kid at heart. He'd meant no harm; Watari knew that. 

"It's all right, Tsuzuki. It's just...I'm a little sensitive about my tail. It's...sort of a personal thing, to Kitsune." 

Tsuzuki's eyes widened.

"You're Kitsune? Since when?"

Watari stared at his friend, at a loss for what to say. Hadn't Tsuzuki heard him earlier? Shaking his head, Watari felt the coil of dread in his stomach loosen a little. Tsuzuki did seem to be taking the truth about him rather well, all things considered. Perhaps the others would too...

"Since always, Tsuzuki. I was never human."

There. The truth at last. The thing that had the power to destroy or strengthen. The thing that could quite possibly - 

"Tsuzuki, what are you doing?"

The other Shinigami was leaning towards him and staring intently at something on Watari's head, mumbling to himself under his breath. 

Startled, Tsuzuki lost his balance and toppled forwards off the couch. He would have hit the floor in an ungainly sprawl of limbs and blanket if Watari had not caught him at the last second, sparing him that humiliation.

Hooting irritably, 003 took flight, seeking shelter at the top of the cabinet where Watari stored his scientific equipment while not in use. She hooted at them once more to let them know her opinion of them, and turned he back on them effectively ignoring them for the duration.

"Ehhh...sorry again, Watari. It's just so...so...strange, I guess." Tsuzuki muttered while Watari helped him back into a sitting position on the couch. "I never knew..."

After ascertaining that Tsuzuki was not likely to fall off the couch again, Watari retreated to the other side of his lab, well away form Tsuzuki and his prying eyes. Pacing the short distance from the back wall to the edge of his worktable, Watari avoided looking at the other Shinigami. He needed time to think. Time to process what had just happened. He needed to pick apart what Tsuzuki had just said, and why it had bothered him so much.

There had been something very much like accusation in Tsuzuki's voice just then. As though he felt slighted that Watari - his friend - had not felt that he could trust him with such an important secret. That Watari had kept something like that from him all the time they had known each other. And worse, there was something of resignation in Tsuzuki's voice. As though he felt that he could not blame Watari for not trusting him enough to share his secret with him. As thought Watari had had every right to -

"Stop that." Watari growled, pausing in his endless pacing to glare at Tsuzuki. "Stop that right now, Tsuzuki. Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself. Do you hear me? Don't you dare. There were reasons behind why I didn't - why I couldn't - tell you."

Tsuzuki's head snapped up at the sharp tone in Watari's voice - something that he couldn't remember having ever heard from the other man before. The stern expression on Watari's face seemed strangely out of place - alien in a way that Tsuzuki was at a loss to explain even to himself.

Seeing that his words had had little impact on his friend, Watari crossed the room and knelt before Tsuzuki, looking up into his face. His ears twitched in agitation as he searched Tsuzuki's eyes for some kind of understanding. For some glimmer of comprehension.

"Tsuzuki..." Watari trailed off, cursing himself for his poor choice of words earlier. For his forgetfulness.

Tsuzuki seemed almost determined to believe the worst about himself. Determined to believe that he didn't deserve what happiness he had found in his afterlife. Determined to believe that those he considered his friends merely tolerated him because they had to. That if they knew the truth about him they would want nothing to do with him - and rightfully so - in his mind. He wasn't so different from Watari then, in that regard.

Reaching up, Watari caught Tsuzuki's face in his hands, smiling gently.

"Idiot. Tsuzuki, you idiot. I didn't want to hide the truth from you or the others, but I had to. Beings like me - Kitsune and other spirits - aren't allowed in Meifu. We aren't allowed to be Shinigami. We have our own afterlife to go to. We aren't human, and were never meant to exist as humans. In life or death."

Tsuzuki blinked, eyes coming back into focus.

"I was only allowed to be here through a special agreement with Enma. And I was to keep my true nature a secret from the others. That was why I couldn't tell you, Tsuzuki. Not because I didn't trust you. Because I do trust you, Tsuzuki. I do." 

Of its own volition one of Tsuzuki's hand reached out to Watari, hesitating just above one furred ear. He looked at Watari, asking silent permission, which Watari granted him with a smile.

Watari's ear twitched as Tsuzuki touched it, his fingers tickling the inner fur that lined his ear. Watching his friend closely as he stroked the furred ear, Watari smiled to himself. The darkness was gone from Tsuzuki's eyes now, replaced with an almost childlike wonder.

It was true that he had seen many things in his afterlife, but most of those things had been trying to kill him at some point in time or other. Few had ever given him the opportunity to simply touch and feel. To marvel at something beyond normal human understanding or belief. 

Leaning into the touch as Tsuzuki's fingers brushed over an itchy spot, Watari blinked as the other man snatched his hand back as though it had been burned. He looked at Watari in shock, violet eyes wide.

Watari was about to ask what the problem was when Tsuzuki spoke, his voice a broken whisper.

"But...but if I know...what happens now, Watari? What's going to happen to you?"

Watari shrugged, trying not to let his own fear and concern show in his eyes. There was no one to blame but himself for his carelessness. If it hadn't been Tsuzuki who'd seen him, then it would have been one of the others. Tatsumi, perhaps. Or maybe Hisoka. It didn't matter in the end though, as the consequences were still the same.

"Actually...I don't know, Tsuzuki. I expect that I'll have to leave. Probably to wherever it is Kitsune go when they die." Watari answered, injecting an only slightly forced note of cheer into his voice. 

He knew Tsuzuki felt bad enough for what he had inadvertently done; there was no need to add to his guilt any more than he had to. 

"It'll be interesting, I'm sure. I've been told stories, of course, but no one really knows what it's like. It'll be wonderful, for a scientist like myself."

Tsuzuki just looked at him, eyes full of sorrow, regret and self-loathing.

Snorting, Watari released Tsuzuki's face and stood, backing away a step. Looking down at the other Shinigami, Watari sighed in exasperation.

"Tsuzuki...why don't we go get that drink you wanted? I think you need it more than I do, and maybe I can convince you that what happened really isn't your fault. It was bound to happen sooner or later."

Tsuzuki didn't look like he was willing to believe Watari, but he also didn't refuse his offer.

To be continued...

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