Legacy by silvershadeus - Part 4

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Well...that's not anatomically true, but I'm hoping whoever reads this already knows that. It's one of those odd little figures of speech humans are so very fond of. But they also say that for every myth, legend or tall tale there is a grain of truth in it. The same holds true for this little turn of phrase...for certain people.

Tsuzuki Asato is one such person.

Not to say that he is oblivious to the point where he is blinded to anything but the food you place in front of him. It's just that if you happen to be someone that he trusts, he tends to be a bit...careless. Although 'careless' isn't quite the word I'm looking for. It just happens to come the closest to the meaning I intend. To say that he's 'trusting' would be stretching the truth a little too far. 

Tsuzuki does trust us...but only to a certain point. 

I don't think that he's quite realized that trust works like a balance/counterbalance system. You must place the same amount of trust in someone that you expect in return. If you are unstinting in this, there is balance and true trust is achieved. If you hold back - out of fear, uncertainty or some other reason - there is no balance and therefore genuine trust cannot be reached. 

Very few people manage to achieve true trust. It is a rare and precious thing. Something to be valued for all that it represents. To have someone's complete and utter trust is something that can never be measured by any scientific or mathematical means. It's something you either understand or you don't.  

Simple in its complexity…and therein lies the subtle genius of it. 

Just as everyone harbors a secret regret, neither do they ever reveal all there is to know about themselves. There is always a part of themselves that they hold onto tightly - almost jealously - never wanting to let go. 

Some memory of the past, perhaps. A wish or desire that they would rather die than reveal. The name of a secret love they know is unattainable for whatever reasons. The fact that they feel differently than those around them on a given subject. It can be any of a million different things, and they fear anyone else discovering it. 

They might not be aware of it, but they can't find it within themselves to trust another being with that part of them. It isn't a matter of having known someone for any given length of time or knowing that they are trustworthy. It's a matter of listening to that little voice in the back of their mind. 

The one that tells them that they would be ostracized if anyone knew the complete truth. That others would look at them with pity or disgust. That it's better no one else knows. They won't need to fear facing the reactions of other people if they just keep their secrets secret. 

I can’t entirely fault Tsuzuki for doing such a thing, as I do it myself. We all have our reasons for what we do. Our reasons behind the masks we wear. Our reasons for our reasons. 

I don’t doubt that you, who read this now, have secrets of your own. Some part of you that will never see the light of day because you carry the fear of discovery within you. The fear of being made outcast. Perhaps you will prove to be wiser than we have by revealing that part of what makes you the person you are to the people you trust. 

I can only hope that by the time you read this, we have already done so. I would like to know what it feels like to have someone’s complete trust one day. And I would like to know what it feels like to be relieved of the burden that I carry within me.  

But I seem to have gotten sidetracked once again, don't I? I was telling you about Tsuzuki. One of my coworkers who is also friend and family to me. Hopefully you will have heard of him...he is one of those people that is hard to forget. One of the ones that you hope never to forget. 

It would take far too long to recount the number of times he has gotten himself into trouble because of some particularly tasty treat. Or the number of times he has been tricked into something for exactly the same reason. 

It would almost be easy to say that he is an idiot for allowing things like that to happen. And although Tsuzuki is many things, he is most certainly not an idiot. He chooses to act like one a great deal of the time, but you can tell - if you care to look closely enough - that he is far more than that. 

He watches and observes, taking mental notes and smiling that sweet little smile of his. Trying to tell you that he didn't see the little frown on your face just then. That he didn't notice the way you tensed when a certain subject was brought up. That he doesn't know you're hurting - and trying not to show it. 

Actors and actresses measure their ability based on the skill they have to make others believe they are somebody else. That for a little while they are a character out of myth or legend. That they are whom you see and nothing more than that. And Tsuzuki, I have learned, is perhaps one of the greatest actors I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He wears his masks - his roles - so very well that few have ever taken notice of them. Few people have ever caught him switching costume. Few ever see past the act. 

And that is the mark of a truly excellent actor. The ability to make people believe what they see and not what they know to be true.

You would never guess it to look at Tsuzuki when he is acting childishly that he is the most powerful Shinigami among us. That he can call on the Twelve Gods…but do you know what I’m talking about, I wonder? Perhaps you would recognize only the names of Suzaku, Byakko, Genbu and SohRyu. And perhaps you’ve even heard of Tohda, whose black flames can kill even a Shinigami? Perhaps now you understand a little about how powerful Tsuzuki is, that he can call these beings his allies…and even friends. 

The most telling thing about Tsuzuki is that he chooses to call them friend, more than anything else. He treats them as though they are no different from him and perhaps that is why they have chosen to protect him. More than power, they look for those who have no malice in their hearts. No secret desire to abuse the power they would be granted by being allowed to summon the Twelve Gods. They look for someone they can trust, and they have found that person in Tsuzuki. 

He does not seem to think it is of any great importance that he has gained their trust and in return their power, which says so much about him while saying so little. It is something that makes Tsuzuki who he is, something he is not even aware of. That he gains the trusts of others with so little effort on his part but is unaware of how much that same trust means.  

Just as one of his true gifts is the one that allows him to smile even though you know he is hurting, and the ability to make you believe that the smile is real. Even though you know it isn’t. You wouldn’t think that he hurts when you look at his smile. You wouldn’t think that someone who laughs and smiles the way he can would be anything but happy and content. 

But then the same could be said about anyone, really. Take a look at the person closest to you. Not in distance, but friendship. Do they seem happy to you? Truly happy? Do their smiles sometimes look as though they hurt? Do they sometimes avoid answering the most simple of questions? Have they ever shown you anything other than a friendly smile?  

Perhaps they’re afraid to show you that side of themselves that refuses to smile. The side of themselves that carries pain and hurt and unshed tears. Perhaps they can’t allow themselves to do that, for some reason known only to them. Perhaps it was the way they were raised when they were alive. To always show the world a smiling mask even though they hurt inside. To always put others before themselves. To always forego their own happiness for someone else’s. And perhaps all that they know are fake smiles and inner pain because they have never known what trust is. 

Will you take the time, the effort to see past the masks they have put up? Will you risk that much of yourself to help someone else in pain? Will you offer up that last scrap of hope to someone who might not know what it is, or how to reach for it? 

People like that are rare, and even rarer are the ones who do so even though they carry their own share of pain and hurt. 

They also say that strength is something measured not by physical means, by the size of one’s heart. Of one’s willingness to give everything they are for another. Even if it means they might lose themselves in doing so. True strength, or so they say, is something measured by the size of one’s spirit, one’s soul rather than brute muscle. 

As I’ve said, so few people care to look past Tsuzuki’s masks, but there are people who have. Some have done so simply because he means that much to them. Some have done so because to do otherwise goes against their very nature. And then there are those who have done so because they recognized something of themselves in him. 

Tatsumi…he is the first of those types. I am more of the second, and as for the third type of person… 

Kurosaki Hisoka is a rare case of his own, and one of the few people who is able to reach beyond his own pain to help another. Maybe it was Fate, or some other power that chose to put the two of them together the way they have been. Maybe there is truth in the saying that healing comes through pain, and pain through healing. And maybe…maybe there are some things that no one can explain. 

For whatever reason, Hisoka has managed to move past his own memories, his own suffering to help Tsuzuki with his. And Tsuzuki does the same for him. Watching them you wouldn’t think such a thing possible, but nevertheless it’s true. They fight their own inner battles, and then they reach out to each other. For understanding, for friendship, and most importantly for acceptance. Of who they are, and what they’ve been through. 

And that is what everyone asks for in the end. To be accepted, despite all of their faults and mistakes. Despite the things they have done wrong in life or death, and the things left undone. Despite the things they could have done differently, had things been different. Despite their shortcomings, their arrogance and pride. And most certainly despite the fear that controls even the strongest of people. Everyone wants some measure of acceptance and the ability to trust, because they know how important those things are. 

Remember that, and you need never lose sight of what it is to be human. Remember that you are not the only who feels pain and suffering, and choose to do something about it. Remember what it is to be alone with your pain, and look to the person closest to you. Do you want them to feel that way and do nothing to help? We all make our own decisions throughout life, and now in death, but some decisions are more important than others. 

Discover which ones they are, and you will know what to do.  

~ Yutaka Watari ~

To be continued...

back        next