Legacy by silvershadeus - Part 3

It's odd, when you think about it just how much habit and routine plays a part in your daily life. I've heard it said that people are creature of habits, and I would have to agree that that is something that is all too true. 

People typically wake up at a certain time, and then go through certain preset routines. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Start the teakettle. Rifle through the cabinets for dishes - 

And these routines - habits - begin the moment you wake up. They continue throughout the day even though you may not quite be aware of it. You leave your home at a certain time. You make your way to work in order to get there at a certain time. You're used to seeing certain things on your way that would catch your attention if they weren't there because you have grown used to seeing them. But you aren't consciously aware of this fact - some part of you just knows.

It's that same part of you that expects to be able to leave for lunch at a certain time everyday. The same part of you that thrives on those preset routines because they make your life easier. Simpler. 

It makes it easier going though life with some decisions already made and taken care of. The seemingly small, inconsequential ones. The ones like should you shower or brush your teeth first? Either way would be perfectly fine, but you do those things differently than another person would because it has become habit to you. The same is true of other things in life. 

Another thing that I have heard said is that allowing yourself to fall into a predictable routine is a dangerous thing. And it is also something that has some truth behind it.

Allowing yourself to fall too deeply into a daily routine can often seem as though you are in a rut. Doing exactly the same things over and over again, day after day. The brain is not something that thrives solely on habit and set routine. It needs to be stimulated by spontaneity - and the unexpected. It needs to experience things other than trying to decide which brand of tea you should drink or when you should water the plants.

And then there are the more...life-threatening things that occur because you allow yourself to follow routine so thoroughly. We Shinigami are not without our enemies. People or beings that would be glad to see the end of out existence - for differing reasons. If they were to learn your routine, you would me marking yourself as easy prey. 

At least, that's how my reasoning often goes when I try to explain to Tatsumi just why I'm often late for staff meetings and the like. But perhaps the fact that he was expecting me to be late for this morning's meeting is a sort of predictability in and of itself? 

Ah well, at least he was not too upset at the fact that I arrived late. In fact, if I didn't know any better I would have though he was amused by my arrival. As though having a small owl clinging to your hair to keep from being left behind is painless. Still...it is nice to see Tatsumi smile every once in a while. He's normally so serious.

I suppose his position as the secretary of the Summons Division is partly to blame for that. He acts as Chief Konoe's right hand man, and watches over the budget like a hawk. If even one penny is misplaced he will find out where and why. The rest of the blame...all of us have become Shinigami for personal reasons, and Tatsumi is no exception to that rule.

But you don't know this Tatsumi I'm talking about, do you? Seiichirou Tatsumi is a complicated man, and I doubt that I will ever understand all that there is to know about him. His quite possibly the most intricate, convoluted puzzle that I have ever been presented with - but he is one that I determined to solve.

Tatsumi is the sort of person that you know is reliable because he appears that way. Always smartly dressed, not a hair out of place. He appears very dependable and trustworthy simply because he is. He is somewhat of a father figure to the younger Shinigami like Hisoka who never had such a person in their lives. He treats everyone with equal respect and politeness and in a way that lets them know that he does value them and their opinions. 

You know that you can place your trust in Tatsumi and not have to worry about it being misplaced, and you know that if you ever need his help, he will be willing to offer it to you. He is like a steady support pillar - something that you do not always take note of, but are thankful for all the same in the back of your mind. He is somewhat like a shadow himself, always there but not so that you would notice unless you chose to look for him. Fitting, for someone who uses shadows as his means of defense and attack. 

As far as I know there have only been two Shinigami able to use shadow magic - Tatsumi and the man who taught him how to use his shadow magic. I've heard that it is a rare ability, to harness the very shadows to your command. Almost a rare a thing as someone of Tatsumi's character. I hope that you who read this meets someone like him one day. Your existence will certainly be the better for it. 

He is the sort of person who would do anything in his power to protect those he cares for. The sort of person who would not hesitate to destroy anything or anyone who dares to lay so much as a finger on someone he calls friend.

But to explain more about Tatsumi would require me to tell you a little more of this morning's staff meeting. And I'm sure that by now you know that once you've been to one staff meeting you have been to them all. First there are the polite greetings. Sometimes a handshake is involved if it is someone you haven't seen for a while and do not know very well. Then there are a few moments of idle talk while you wait for the meeting to begin. The scrape of a spoon against someone's coffee cup as they stir sugar and cream into it. All in all...not very conducive to stimulating one's thought processes. 

And then there are the chairs you must sit in. Hard plastic things that appear to have been designed to be uncomfortable to sit in for prolonged amounts of time. The meeting room is almost always chilly first thing in the morning due to the heat having just been turned on. And there is that air in the room of everyone quite clearly wishing to be somewhere else at the moment. Even engrossed in paperwork they have been putting off for days - so long as they are anywhere else. 

Tatsumi started the meeting with inquiries as to whether anyone had any objections to using non-dairy creamer in the break room instead of dairy creamer. To save on budget costs, I believe he said. There were none, of course. You do not object to anything Tatsumi says when it concerns the budget unless you have concrete proof that your objection is valid backing you up. It is simply not a wise thing to do so otherwise. And sometimes even in spite of such evidence. Tatsumi can be frightening, when he chooses to be.

From there the meeting went on to entail other matters around the office: Tsuzuki's habit of overspending while in the field. Tsuzuki's habit of taking longer lunch breaks to work in more time for his sweets. Tsuzuki's - 

In fact, Tsuzuki and his habits and eccentricities took up quite a lot of this morning's meeting. One would almost think that Tatsumi was targeting him specifically for some reason. Certainly it couldn't be due to the fact that Tatsumi still worries about him. 

Certainly not.

But then again, that is most likely what Tatsumi would like to have you believe. He is not someone given over to showing his emotions in a way that most people might. Part of his past coming into play, I think. It is something that makes Tatsumi the man he is, but it is also something that makes him the man he wishes he could be. 

Too often I have seen him looking wistfully at Tsuzuki and Hisoka - no doubt thinking of what could have been, 'if only...' Too often I have seen him staring off into nothing, his eyes full of sadness. Too often I have seen him hide the pain he feels because of things he did not do. Things he did not say. Things he cannot do or say.

'If only' he could have told Tsuzuki his feelings for him. 'If only' he had been able to reconcile his past with his present. 'If only' things had been different... It is a common enough lament for Shinigami - those of us who are what we are because we could not give up the hold life had on us. It is also a common lament for those of the living. A regret for a harsh word spoken in a bout of anger that was never meant to hurt. A regret for a thoughtless action. A regret for things left unsaid, undone.

Everyone bears some secret regret. Some bit of their past that they can never lay to rest because of those two words that will forever haunt their thoughts - 'If only...' It is these regrets that hold them back, that keeps them from being the person they could be - 'if only...'

There's a certain sense of irony in that, isn't there? The same thing that holds you back is the thing that can help you move forward. The needing to face your pain to move past it. The wanting something to let it go. 

There is a saying that if you love a thing, you must let it go. And if it returns to you, then it is yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. 

Tsuzuki was that to Tatsumi, I think. The thing - the person - that he loved but had to let go because he loved him. Because he knew that Tsuzuki had never been his to keep, no matter how much he might have wished him to be. 

And although Tsuzuki did not return to Tatsumi, neither did he abandon him. Nor did Tatsumi abandon Tsuzuki. He has made it a habit of his to watch out for Tsuzuki where and when he can. It is his way of showing his love for Tsuzuki - as his friend. It is Tatsumi's way of showing that he cares; in the only way he can. And I do not think that doing so will ever be something that Tatsumi regrets. There are other things that I know he will always regret, but caring for his friends - for Tsuzuki - will never be one of them.

I seem to have lost track of time once again, and 003 seem to think so as well. It is just that the words seem to flow so easily late at night when I am alone with my thoughts. Even the ones that I know will get me into some form of trouble or another via a new experiment or invention. But that is neither here nor there at the moment, is it? Ah well, another night another entry in this journal of mine. I can only hope that you are beginning to see the way things were before you came here.

Perhaps they aren't so different from the way things are the way you know them. I can only hope so; otherwise I think we have failed you in some way. Be sure to treasure the friends you have, and value them for what they are - not what you might wish them to be. And remember that letting go doesn't always mean goodbye.

 ~ Yutaka Watari ~

To be continued...

back        next