What is Family? by Hoshiko - Mitsuru's Interlude -
Author's
note: Just so there is no confusion, this part is written from
Mitsuru's POV and occurs
immediately after Part 7.
The moment I was out of Shun’s sight, I broke into a run, putting everything I had into that one desperate move. I wasn’t sure why I was doing it; I just knew that I needed to get away from Greenwood. I needed to get away from the look in Shun’s eyes. Most of all, I needed to get away from myself.
So I took the coward’s way out, and ran. For the first time in my life, I ran from something, instead of facing it.
No – that was a lie. I’d been running from the truth all along, but I never realized until that moment. I hadn’t realized what I’d been doing until Shun read his damned interview notes to me. It was strange, that of all people, Shun should be the one to open my eyes.
I think I was in shock that Shun was the one who forced me to face the truth. I would never have expected it from him. Shinobu, now that I could see, but not Shun.
After a while, the shock started to wear off and I finally noticed that my body was screaming bloody murder at me for the abuse I was putting it through. My legs ached, my lungs burned, and my eyes stung from where the wind whipped at my face.
I winced inwardly as I slowed to a walk, knowing that I was going to pay for over-exerting myself like that in the morning. It had been a long time since I’d done something so stupid, so maybe it was justified in the greater scheme of things.
Sighing, I glanced around, more than a little curious at where my panicked flight had led me. Imagine my surprise when I caught a glimpse of eye-searing yellow peeking out from behind a bush.
I really should have known, of course. Where else would I have gone? It was my refuge when I was younger. The one place that I’d always felt safe, before I met Shinobu.
It was a small children’s park, decorated in the blindingly bright colors that kids are always drawn too, and adults avoid like the plague. Well…most adults, anyway.
I found myself staring at the tangled mess of monkey bars, climbing tunnels, slides, and the rope web that I used to spend hours playing on when I was younger. I was too big to play on them now of course, but the swing set was still just my size.
It’s kind of funny – not funny haha, funny weird funny – to think that no matter how old I get, those same swings would always be the right size for me. There’s probably some kind of mathematical equation or theory to explain it, but I couldn’t really care less.
I had to step out of the way of a little boy who was laughing uncontrollably as his puppy chased him around the park. Kids have it so easy. All they ever have to worry about is the monster under the bed, or the one in the closet. None of the stupid stuff adults have to deal with. I almost wished that I could be a kid again, just so my problems would go away. Almost.
Shaking my head and smiling, I headed along the outer edge of the small baseball diamond, only a little surprised to see that there was no game being played at the moment.
As long as I could remember, there was always someone playing baseball. Maybe it was just too late in the day, or the season. Shrugging, I left the small dirt path and headed towards a large clump of trees and shrubbery.
Hidden in the back of the park in a forgotten corner, there’s a miniature forest – a tiny little clump of nature in the middle of the city, and at the center of it is the swing set.
It’s definitely seen better days, that much is for certain. Most of the paint has worn away, leaving a dull metal sheen, and the chains of the swings are covered in rust. No one knows just how old the swing set is, but one thing I do know; I’ve always found a quiet sort of acceptance there that I’ve never been able to find anywhere else.
That’s probably the reason I ended up there, the only place that I had ever felt completely at peace. With Shinobu, I came close – but there was always something holding me back. I was hoping that I would be able to figure out just what it was that kept me from giving my heart to him completely.
I sensed him before I saw him. Maybe it was the aura of calm he had about him, or that bond between us that I had felt so many times before, but I knew he was there. Damn his little black heart.
Stepping around the last two trees, I felt something in me twist. He was sitting on the swing farthest from me; his hands wrapped loosely around the chains, head lowered as though he were deep in thought.
I didn’t know what to do. I could feel the fresh pain and resentment roiling within me, and he was the focus of it all.
He knew what Shun’s article had been about, but he hadn’t warned me. He knew, and he didn’t try to stop it. In fact, knowing him, he probably encouraged Shun.
I felt my eyes narrow at that thought, anger mixing in with the confusion and pain. Taking the swing next to Shinobu, I found myself staring at my feet, unable to look at him.
“You knew.” Not a question, and not an accusation, it was a simple statement.
He didn’t say anything for a long moment, and then the soft scuffle of his feet against the dirt filled the heavy silence between us. Turning to look, I bit back a smile as I watched Tezuka Shinobu swinging.
“Hai.”
It never ceased to amaze me how Shinobu never had to raise his voice to be heard. No matter what the situation, or whatever the circumstances, people never failed to listen to him. Maybe it was a certain type of charisma. Maybe it was that fact that his quiet dignity demanded no less. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because people were afraid of him.
Most people, I knew, were afraid of what was going on behind that bland little smile of his. They never guessed that that beneath it all, he was every bit as human as they were, if not more.
“Then why? Why, Shinobu?” This time I couldn’t help it; I couldn’t understand how he could do something that would hurt me so much, if he really loved me.
But maybe that was the problem? Maybe he didn’t love me as much as I loved him…?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare do that, Mitsuru.”
I blinked in surprise, torn from my thoughts at the sudden harshness in his voice. Looking up, I saw that he had stopped swinging, and that he was looking at me coldly, his eyes unreadable.
“Wha -?”
Shinobu snorted derisively, his glare gaining in intensity.
“Don’t act like you have no idea what I’m talking about, Mitsuru. You’re not an idiot.”
All the anger, hurt, and frustration that had been building up within me my entire life exploded out of me.
“And don’t act like you’re so dammed high and mighty, Shinobu! Despite what you think, you’re not GOD!”
He blinked at me, an odd look on his face.
And then the corner of his mouth quirked upwards into the tiniest of smiles.
“Perhaps the next closest thing?”
I couldn’t help it, maybe it was the stress, or maybe it was the strange little smile on his face, but I laughed.
It was a private joke between the two of us that everyone seemed to view Shinobu as some kind of untouchable god. It was funny, watching others go out of their way to avoid his wrath.
“More like a godling.” I replied, grinning a little.
He raised an eyebrow at that, and the smile grew slightly.
“Even so, you know what I’m talking about, Mitsuru. I know you don’t like talking about it, but eventually you will have to do something about it.”
Sighing, I looked back down at my feet. Damned right I didn’t like thinking about it – I couldn’t think of a single person who would. Who, in their right mind, would want to be reminded that they were unwanted? That they were some kind of burden?
I imagine my real parents must have been thrilled to have me off their hands the moment they left me under that tree. And why wouldn’t they have been? They didn’t have a messy, screaming baby to look after anymore. They left me under a tree on the grounds of my adoptive family’s shrine, and that was the end of that – as far as they were concerned.
My new family had never made any fuss about it, but I knew. How couldn’t I, when all I needed to do was look in the mirror to know that I didn’t belong with them? At first, it didn’t matter so much to me, because I was still a kid. And like any child, I couldn’t see the differences that separated people. All I knew was that I was loved, and that I loved them.
So then when had that all changed? When did I realize that I was becoming a burden again? When did I start distancing myself from my family? Was it when I joined that gang in junior high? Or was it before then?
“Mitsuru.”
Looking up, I saw the pained look in Shinobu’s eyes, and felt a sharp ache in my chest at the sight. I was doing it again, becoming a burden to someone else. And that was the last thing I had ever wanted to be. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Shinobu.
His expression hardened, and I waited for those damning words to fall from his mouth. I waited for him to tell me that I was like a brick dragging him down, that he couldn’t fly while I was holding him back. That he was better off without me…
“Dammit, Mitsuru! Will you stop doing that?”
I gave a start as he grabbed my shoulders and gave me a good shake, jolting me out of my thoughts.
“I swear, you’re worse than Hasukawa at times. Will you kindly listen to me?”
Annoyed by Shinobu’s manhandling, I bit back a retort and met his gaze. His eyes narrowed slightly at my surly expression, but he decided to ignore it for the moment.
“What do you think of your family?”
I stared at him with equal amounts of confusion and surprise. What the hell kind of question was that?
“Shinobu, are you all right?”
His eyes narrowed further and his hands on my shoulders tightened slightly. Not enough to hurt, but definitely enough to get my attention.
“Just answer the question, Mitsuru.”
“I…well…I love them.”
His expression cleared, and his grip on my shoulders loosened. I thought I saw a gleam of satisfaction in his eyes, but I wasn’t sure.
“And what do you think of me?”
This time my answer took a little longer in coming. It was like someone asking if a certain shirt made them look fat. You were damned if you did, damned if you didn’t. I didn’t know what he was up to, but I knew that I was treading a thin line.
“Shin, you know I love you.”
His lips curved upwards in that smile that I loved to see. The one that was meant only for me.
He raised one hand from my shoulder and brushed away an errant lock of hair that had fallen across my eyes with the back of his knuckles, in an infinitely gentle gesture. It was the little things like that, which made me fall in love with him. The sweet, quiet moments between us that made me realize just how much he meant to me.
Which is why the slap to the side of my head was a surprise.
“What the hell did you do that for, Shin?”
He just smiled back at me, that slow, sweet smile I had come to love.
“Because you’re a baka.”
I frowned at him; suddenly uncertain where he was going with this bizarre line of …whatever the hell it was he was doing. And then I felt that unpleasant stomach-churning fear that I knew so well. Too well, it seemed. Why was he asking me these questions…unless?
I received another slap to the head, and then Shinobu used his hold on my shoulders to pull me into a tight hug, his body warm and familiar against mine. I closed my eyes and allowed my fear and insecurities to take a backseat in my mind.
“Mitsuru, if you love your family so strongly, what makes you think that they don’t love you just as much?”
My eyes, which had closed of their own accord, snapped open in surprise. I could feel the slight vibration in Shinobu’s chest with each word he spoke, and it was as though they became engraved in my mind.
I almost voiced a protest as Shinobu gently pushed me from him a little in order to see my face. I could see the concern in his eyes, and it warmed my heart. To know that someone like him could love me so much…
“I love you, Tezuka Shinobu.”
He raised an eyebrow at my words, his eyes smiling at me even if his lips didn’t.
“What brought that on?”
I lifted a hand and ran a finger along the fine hairs of his eyebrow, smiling slightly. He held still, watching my eyes.
“Because it’s true?”
He raised his hand again, and I flinched, expecting another slap to the head, only to feel the cool caress of his hand on my cheek.
Cracking open one eye, I peered at him warily.
“Think about it, Mitsuru? For yourself, if not for me?”
I was confused for a moment, my thoughts dangerously disoriented by his presence so close to me. What had we been talking about?
“Your family needs you, Mitsuru. Just like you need them – it’s not fair to deny them their oldest son, is it?”
I dropped my head onto his shoulder in defeat. Damn him, did he always have to get his way? Of course, I would think about it now, thanks to his meddling. Damn him. Damn him, damn him.
“Mitsuru?”
“I’ll think about it.” I mumbled, my voice muffled by his shirt.
Instead of gloating over his victory – for there could be no doubt in either of our minds that that was what it was – Shinobu wrapped his arms around me for a second hug. Folding my own arms around him, I smiled into his shoulder.
I should have known things would turn out like this. I always knew he was a master at manipulation, but this time…this time I don’t think I minded quite so much.
To be continued...